Wouldn't it be nice to return to the past?

     Happy memories. Dozens, hundreds of them, some from mere days or weeks ago, some from years past. Aren't they so nice and rosy? Especially compared to how sucky life feels right now?

    When those memories pop into my brain, usually the first thing I do is crack a smile as I relive and replay them, the events of years ago bringing me joy as they did back then. And then the smile breaks, dissolved by a caustic sadness that rips me back to the present. Because nostalgia isn't just happiness, but envy too, directed at my past self, so reprehensibly capable of joy that handily outshines my present self's capabilities. I envy that mental hologram of a person, living blissfully in the past. Sometimes, I wish I could become him again. 

    What if I actually could, though?

    The most recent memory which fit the bill of "constantly wishing I were back there" came from my semester in China, spending time with a friend who I'd met in model UN, an American living abroad like me. I can only really describe him as a literal ray of sunshine. I can still gleefully remember every time we interacted...because there were only a few times, since he moved back to America only a week later. So much for the happiest 2 days of 2022. 

    As much as I'd love to re-experience those handful of interactions, now that I think about it, knowing that those happy moments would end so soon would ruin it for me. And then I'd be back to...being a closeted queer in China. Go figure how it was, and why I'm not as keen on also condemning myself to those memories.

    Sometimes I also reminisce of a video game I played during the Covid lockdown, a space-based game which I somehow poured hundreds of hours into. Pirating other players in deep space with online brothers-in-arms turned an otherwise forgettable freshman year into exhilarating memories. Now that player counts have dropped and factions I spent months with have disbanded, nostalgia time and time again prompts me to long for those distant battles. Occasionally, I log back on in an attempt to recall the digital world which enchanted me for so long.

    Of course, those memories are 'flawed' in their own way too, ironically because of the same factions that brought the game to life. Bigotry and toxicity flourished in those groups, and I ended up mostly quitting the game for that reason, far too late for me to satisfy my conscience. Now uninterested in hanging out with blatant bigots, I'd rather not condemn myself to going there again.

    But what about every other time? Surely, not every memory has such a sinister double-edge? And even if they do, why not just go back anyways? All too often, it still seems like reliving the past, marred as it is, still beats out trying to make sense of the present. Too often, it feels like I'd rather go through anything to stall the onset of today, tomorrow, and the days after that. And so, the best place to look is backwards.

    Yet, when I look, I don't always see myself in there. I mean, technically, I'm just an older variant of my past self, and vice versa, but side by side, we have our differences. Different mentality, different knowledge, different experiences. Even more starkly, as a militantly non-binary individual, our genders don't even line up anywhere past late-2022. When I speak of 'returning to the past,' or 'becoming him again' (emphasis on 'him,' not 'them,' like I'd call myself now), I also speak of transforming into someone increasingly unfamiliar, betraying what I am right now. If not that, I'd at least be saying that the experiences of that guy in the past are worth more than my own.

    Although I love indulging in the past, I'm also glad that I can do said indulging whilst still tethered to myself.